It’s hard for anyone to process last week’s news out of Sag Harbor. A sixth grader heads to the Poconos for a school trip with his classmates and never comes home. The heart of every parent who hears the news skips a beat in empathetic horror.
But what about kids, who hear the news through chatter in school hallways, their parents’ whispers on the phone — “can you believe it?”— or headlines on social media? Kids have a way of hearing everything, especially the hushed tones we use to protect them. So how can you appropriately check in with a child in your care, especially a middle schooler?
To help answer that, Dr. Laura White, the school psychologist at East Hampton Middle School, offered some advice.
First, set the right tone.
“Random, senseless tragedies, such as this one, are the most difficult for children to process. Children often cope better when they know that trusted adults are available, attentive, and willing to help them navigate difficult emotions over time,” Dr. White said. “When speaking with children about tragedies, it’s essential for the adult to set a tone that is calm and reassuring, rather than alarming and overly emotional.”
Next, find out what they know.
“It’s also important to first understand what they already know and to clarify the facts, while avoiding graphic details,” she explained.
Then, see how they’re feeling.
“Explore their emotional reaction and validate their feelings,” Dr. White said. “Most importantly, communicate to your child that you are available for support without pressuring them to disclose more than they are ready to share.”
What are some normal responses?
“Typical reactions include sadness, worry or anxiety, increased questions about safety, irritability, difficulty concentrating, temporary changes in sleep, a greater need for reassurance, or increased interest in news or social media coverage,” Dr. White said. “These reactions are often normal and decrease over time.”
What are signs of a greater problem?
“Some children have more difficulty and may show symptoms that persist beyond several weeks,”Dr. White said. “Warning signs include persistent and intense sadness or worry, increased emotional sensitivity, behavior changes, social withdrawal or loss of interest, declining grades or school avoidance, difficulty concentrating, and physical complaints or fatigue. Extreme reactions include thoughts of self-harm or significant hopelessness and would warrant immediate evaluation by a mental health professional.”
How can parents provide support?
“Parents can take a few simple steps to support their child: Maintain normal routines as much as possible; limit excessive exposure to news and social media coverage; encourage healthy coping strategies such as exercise, hobbies, creative activities, and time with supportive people; model calm emotional expression, and continue checking in periodically, even if the child initially says they are fine,” she said.
“A useful closing message for parents is: ‘I don’t have all the answers, but I’m here to listen. If something starts bothering you later, you can always come talk to me.’ Schools can be an important source of support. Parents may wish to contact school psychologists, school counselors, and school social workers, who can help coordinate support if needed. A mental health professional should be consulted if symptoms are severe, worsening, or significantly affecting the child’s functioning.”
Here are a few missteps to avoid:
“A common mistake parents make in times of tragedy is avoiding the conversation in an attempt to shield their children from fear, sadness, and pain. Protecting children from experiencing these strong emotions sends the message that the subject is too difficult to discuss and inhibits the important processes of coping, acceptance, and resilience,” she said.
“Another common mistake is to say, ‘Don’t worry, that will never happen to you. Everything is okay.’ This invalidates their fears and offers false reassurance. Instead, parents should validate their children’s feelings and emphasize the rarity of the event, reinforcing that they and other trusted adults are working hard to protect them. Parents should also be careful not to overexpose children to the news, overshare graphic details, force conversations, or overshare their own anxiety.”
Want to check in on an older child? Aimee Geehreng, a licensed social worker at East Hampton High School, said space is key.
“When talking to teens, it’s important to give them space and let them know they can talk if they need to,” Ms. Geehreng said. “Remind them that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Sometimes we can be surprised by our feelings. In times of tragedy, self-care is important. Eat well, get rest, and spend time with others.”