It is hereby resolved by the editors of This Magazine and a number of opinionated friends and relations, having convened at dinner time around the tables of East Hampton — and having expressed a desire to prevent misconstruction or abuse by the powers that be — that the following articles be proposed to the reading public, and ratified in law:
1. The right to complain. The right to complain about summer crowds. The right to kvetch about how it used to be so much better here. The right to whine about the length of the check-out lane at Citarella, weekend drivers who make U-turns to steal a parking spot, and the impossibility of left-hand turns onto Main Street.
2. The right to affordable takeout food. The bacon-egg-and-cheese shall not cost more than $9. Pizza shall henceforth and for perpetuity be available to the citizenry in a triangular shape (not just the round pie). An egg-salad sandwich shall not cost $22.
3. The right to annoy strangers and newcomers by pettily correcting their pronunciation of local place names even though there is no rational reason why they should know how to pronounce said names. Pantigo Road is PANT-uh-go, not Pan-TEE-go. Amagansett is Am-uh-gan-sett not Am-uh-gan-zett. It’s just “Springs” not “the Springs,” and so forth.
4. The right to peace and quiet. Freedom from leaf-blower noise, neighbors’-pool-heater noise, and exterior sound systems playing Euro techno for all the neighborhood to hear.
5. The right to dark skies at night. Multitudinous landscape lights pointed upward to illuminate every tree on a homeowner’s property are an abomination against the citizens’ right to view the constellation Scorpius in the southern sky and Aquila (the Eagle)
in the Summer Triangle.
6. The right to full access to all beaches, always, whether ocean or bay. The right to park at the beach, fish on the beach, swim at the beach, do whatever the hell we want at the beach. Whose beach? Our beach.
7. The right to walk through the woods and across the dunes on ancient trails. No landowner shall attempt to privatize the walkers’ right of way.
8. The right to ban pesticides from our own backyard, in the name of the butterflies and birds, and the right to be free from pesticide leaching and fumigation from surrounding residences.
9. The right to talk smack about billionaires and to gossip about movie stars. Even if it’s a sin.
10. The right to serve common bluefish at a dinner party and to hail the hard clam as the pinnacle of culinary delight and perfection, even above the oyster.