We hold these truths to be self-evident . . .
Smartphones make users dumber.
Dogs make humans more humane.
There has never been, and will never be, a happy jogger.
"Woke" is a stupid name for an idiotic stereotype.
"Bespoke" is almost as ill-fitting.
The only good Hummer is a barrier reef.
The same goes for a Tesla Crypt-Mobile, a shotgun marriage between a Transformed DeLorean and a cubistic aluminum trash can.
Ordering at the fast-food counter is at least 10 minutes faster than driving — better known as stalling — thru.
Dangerous drivers in local traffic end up only one car ahead 90 percent of the time.
New Jersey is a way to get to New York and Pennsylvania.
A good mechanic — of cars, teeth, moods — is priceless.
Every generation generates new tribes of gear heads and heavy-metal heads.
Influencers should be licensed to influence, and only when they turn 40.
Football was better when receivers didn't wear sticky Spider-Man gloves.
Basketball was better when it didn't imitate video pinball.
Baseball was better when pitch counts didn't count.
Had Shakespeare lived among us, he would have written "Kill all the agents."
Voting for a GOAT only makes you a goat.
Following the herd only makes you a sheep.
Artificial intelligence is not your friend.
Take away the word "love," and songwriters would be lost.
Take away cellphones, and characters in contemporary movies couldn't communicate.
All the tricks of a smart TV can't compare to the moon-walking thrill of watching a portable set for the first time.
The most essential workers are farmers, nurses, teachers, and . . . mothers.
Healthy trees ensure a healthier world.
A healthy inner child guarantees a healthier adult.
The best data center is a library.
Democracy trumps tyranny.
Kindness trumps cruelty.
The South Fork is a national leader in scrub-oak forests, privet hedges, cedar-shake saltboxes, beautiful beaches, enchanting waterways, teardowns, and trade parades.
Among the East End's many wonders are Montauk Point, the Walking Dunes of Napeague, the wetlands and dunelands along Cranberry Hole Road in Amagansett, Louse Point in Springs, LongHouse Reserve in East Hampton, the congregation of Sag Harbor houses built by ship carpenters, and Wainscott's Main Street, which remains a rustic refuge despite all the unhappy joggers and Hummers destined for barrier-reef redemption.
The Star still shines for all.
Geoff Gehman is a former Wainscott resident, a journalist, and the author of "The Kingdom of the Kid: Growing Up in the Long-Lost Hamptons" (SUNY Press). He lives in Bethlehem, Pa., and can be reached at [email protected].