Night Life
There's a boatload of hype and misinformation floating around about my forthcoming guide, "How to Rule the Hamptons Night Life scene . . . and Not Pay $300 Bail the Next Morning."
The buzz started last month, when I first announced the news of my book's release, slated for early December, in this column. I have heard people saying that there is no need for such a book, that anyone with half a brain could find a way to worm their way into the V.I.P. room.
Some have told me that my book would be a gigantic waste of paper (it's only 544 pages long; I don't really see the problem there). Others think I don't actually have a book deal at all, that it's just a little joke on my part, that I couldn't think of anything better to write in my column, since I was short on time and simply made up the whole thing. Who, moi?
Here's A Sample
So, to quiet the naysayers, here's another little snippet from my first-ever tome. For this, and other useful nighttime tidbits, you'll have to actually buy the book (which will be available at all BookHampton, Waldenbooks, Barnes and Noble, and Kmart locations; did I forget to mention Amazon.com, too?). Here goes.
Chapter 127 - Make Her/Him Come To You
This chapter isn't so much intended for my female readers, but could prove useful nonetheless. Really, I want to get through to the men - especially the Neanderthals among you. So, listen up, Cro-Mags, and maybe you'll have better luck with the ladies.
I'll share a little secret with you: pick-up lines just don't work. Seriously, they don't. Think about it. There's really nothing more pathetic than some drunk dude marching up to a woman in a bar and muttering, "Hey, sweet stuff! I didn't know angels could fly so low," followed immediately by a burp.
The Four "C"s
So scrap everything you've learned from watching The Fonz on "Happy Days." That was a television show. Reality is often - make that always - misconstrued on TV sitcoms. What you need is to be clever, confident, comfortable, and cool. Strike up a conversation. Don't be aggressive right out of the gate. Talk to her like a normal human being. If that's not possible, try this failproof ploy.
It's simple, really. Just walk around the bar, looking down at the floor, as if you've lost something. Sure, you'll feel like an ass for the first five minutes. But eventually, a woman will approach you, and offer to help. "What are you looking for?" she'll ask.
Make something up, something real - don't fire back with, "The girl of my dreams, and I think the search is finally over." Find a bunch of friends to go in on it, and you'll actually get quicker results. Good luck to you, and godspeed.
American Hotel, Sag Harbor. Hunky Page, jazz piano, tomorrow and Saturday, 7 p.m.
Bridges, Bridgehampton. Moira Fogerty, jazz, tonight, 8. The Dennis Raffelock Trio, jazz, tomorrow, 7 p.m. DJ Karin Ward to follow. The Poor Lost Souls, rhythm and blues, Saturday, 8 p.m. Tea dance, featuring Donna D., "London's world-famous drag superstar," Sunday, 8 and 10 p.m.
The Chequit Inn, Shelter Island. Leroy Live, acoustic rock-and-roll, Saturday, 10 p.m.
Conscience Point, North Sea. Friday night dance party, DJs to be announced, tomorrow, 10 p.m. After-party for "Hamptons Hoops For Hilfiger," hosted by Tommy Hilfiger, Saturday, 7 p.m. DJs to be announced. Employees night, with DJs Tom Laroc, Tone Tigga, Theo, Junior, Dan Barnes, and Caviar, dance, techno, and trance, Wednesday, 9 p.m.
Canoe Place Inn, Hampton Bays. Dave Koz, smooth jazz, tomorrow, 10:30 p.m.
Gurney's Inn, Montauk. John Lobosco, acoustic guitar, tonight at 9. The Precisions, lounge, tomorrow and Saturday, 10 p.m. Jim Calen, lounge, Sunday, 10 p.m. John Jason, lounge, Monday, 10 p.m. Louie D, lounge, Tuesday, 10 p.m. George Nichols, piano, Wednesday, 10 p.m.
Hampton Coffee Company, Water Mill. Fred Kolo, blues guitar, Sunday, noon to 2 p.m.
Hansom House, Southampton. The Phos, rock-and-roll, tonight, 9 p.m. The Last Chance Blues Band, blues, tomorrow, 10:30 p.m. Ray Shinnery, blues, Saturday, 10:30 p.m. Shana Young, Gothic-influenced folk, Sunday, 9 p.m.
Harbor House, Sag Harbor. Todd Shea, acoustic guitar, tonight, 9:30. Rocker T, reggae, Sunday, 9:30 p.m.
Hiding Place, Noyac. The New Creatures, reggae-influenced rock-and-roll, tomorrow, 8 p.m.
Jet East, North Sea. Employees night, with DJ Eddie, hip-hop, house, and techno, tonight at 9. DJ Eddie, hip-hop, house, and techno, tomorrow, 9 p.m. Playboy.com and St. Pauli Girl party, with DJ Eric Salas, hip-hop, house, and techno, Saturday, 10 p.m. Open bar runs from 10 to 11 p.m.
Kipling's, Bridgehampton. The Kipling's Trio, jazz, tomorrow, 8 p.m.
Lakeside Inn, Montauk. DJ Vinny K, 1980s dance pop, tomorrow and Saturday, 10 p.m. DJ Ander, merengue and salsa, Sunday and Monday, 10 p.m. Boccie league, Tuesday, 9:30 p.m. Hawaiian luau, with DJ Vinny K, 1980s dance pop, Wednesday, 9 p.m.
Life's A Beach, Water Mill. Funkmaster Flex, the legendary house, rap, and hip-hop DJ, tomorrow, 9 p.m. Playboy Magazine party, with DJs Jared Scream and Ted the Dillinger, hip-hop, progressive, and techno, Saturday, 9 p.m. Teen night, Tuesday, 9 p.m. Industry night, DJ S10, hip-hop, house, and techno, Wednesday, 9 p.m.
Maidstone Arms, East Hampton. Diana Rogers, jazz piano, Sunday, 5 p.m.
Mary Jane's, East Hampton. Andy (Crazyfingers) Boracci, jazz piano, tomorrow and Saturday, 7:30 p.m.
Memory Motel, Montauk. Karaoke night, with DJ entertainment, tonight at 10. Partners in Crime, rock-and-roll, tomorrow, 10 p.m. Live music, acts to be announced, Saturday, 10 p.m. Bruce and Gabrielle, acoustic rock-and-roll, Sunday, 10 p.m. Irish night, Tuesday, 10 p.m. Irish karaoke, Wednesday, 10 p.m.
Montauk Green, Montauk. Hot Wax, contemporary dance, on the plaza, Monday, 6 p.m.
Nick's On The Beach, Montauk. Ladies night with DJ Cisco, hip-hop and dance, tonight, 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. DJ Glenn Hudson, dance pop, tomorrow, 9 p.m. Bruce and Gabrielle, acoustic rock-and-roll, Saturday, 3 p.m. The Jim Turner Band, folk-flavored rock-and-roll, Saturday, 7 p.m. DJ Cisco, hip-hop and dance, Saturday, 9 p.m. The Island Boys, reggae, Sunday, 3 p.m. Paul Collins, country-influenced rock-and-roll, Sunday, 7 p.m. DJ Cisco, Sunday, 10:30 p.m. Big Rich hosting a weekly trivia game show, Monday, 9 p.m. Karaoke contest with DJ Glenn Hudson, Tuesday, 9 p.m. DJ Bobby Bucca, dance, 9 p.m.
Nova's Ark Project, Bridgehampton. Bayou Bash 2000, with Loup Garou, zydeco, Saturday, 8 p.m. This is a benefit for the South Fork Groundwater Task Force.
N/V, East Hampton. Employees night with DJ Bretta, hip-hop, house, and techno, plus live percussionist, tonight, 10 p.m. Martini night, tomorrow, 10 p.m. DJ Reda, funky groove and house, Saturday, 10 p.m. After-party for Celebrity Hoops, a charity event for Boys Harbor and the Hillcrest Avenue Neighborhood Kids Union, featuring Sean (Puffy) Combs, Russell Simmons, Jay-Z, and various National Basketball Association players, Sunday, 10 p.m. Industry night, Tuesday, 10 p.m.
Oyster Pond, Montauk. The Stefanie Cardinali and Paul Gene Band, jazz, tomorrow and Tuesday, 8:30 p.m.
Rick's, Montauk. Claude Perritt, Jimmy Buffett covers and originals, nightly, 6 to 10 p.m.
Ruschmeyers, Montauk. Dick Solberg, "The Sun Mountain Fiddler," tomorrow and Saturday, 9 p.m.
Salty Dog, Noyac. Nancy Atlas, acoustic rock-and-roll, tonight, 10 p.m.
Shagwong, Montauk. DJ Lonestar, dance, tomorrow and Saturday, 10 p.m.
Shark Shack, Montauk. Claude Perritt, Jimmy Buffett covers and originals, tonight, 10.
Shebeen, Montauk. "Local Alternative," dance party featuring guest bartenders, tonight, 9:30. Ladies night with DJ Doreen, dance, Friday, 9:30 p.m. Latin night with DJ Juan, salsa and merengue, Saturday, 9:30 p.m. Theme night, Monday, 9:30 p.m.
Sixmilecross, Montauk. The Mercenaries, rock-and-roll, tonight, 11 p.m., followed by DJ Lonestar. The Two Ronnies, acoustic rock-and-roll, tomorrow and Tuesday, 11 p.m., followed by DJ Fitz, hip-hop, techno, and dance, tomorrow only. DJ Midge, dance music, Saturday, 11 p.m. Patrick Collins, jam rock, Monday, 11 p.m. DJ Heat, house and hip-hop, Wednesday, 11 p.m.
Publick House, Southampton. DJ Mike and DJ Paul, modern dance, tomorrow, Saturday, and Wednesday, 10 p.m.
Stephen Talkhouse, Amagansett. The Lone Sharks, eclectic rock-and-roll, tonight at 9. Richie Havens, folk, tomorrow, 8 p.m. Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown, jazz and blues guitarist, Saturday, 8 p.m. The Hackensack Men, rock-and-roll, Saturday, 10:30 p.m. Nancy Atlas, acoustic rock-and-roll, Sunday, 4:30 p.m., with The Nancy Atlas Project, rock-and-roll, to follow at 8 p.m. Europa, rock-and-roll, Sunday, 10 p.m. Acoustic night, with Gene Hamilton, funk, Monday, 9 p.m. Employees night with Halfmanwonder, Tuesday, 10 p.m. Funktion, funk, Wednesday, 10 p.m.
Sugar Reef, Sag Harbor. DJ Paulino, dance, tomorrow and Saturday, 11 p.m. Ladies night, with DJs Junior and Tone Tigga, dance, techno, and trance, Wednesday, 9:30 p.m.
Tantra, Westhampton Beach. DJ Slim Jim, modern rock and club classics, tomorrow, 11 p.m. Misery's Company, modern rock covers, Saturday, 10 p.m. and midnight, followed by DJ Slim Jim.
Tipperary Inn, Montauk. Irish night with DJ Kev, tonight, 11 p.m. Straight Wired, rock-and-roll, tomorrow and Saturday, 10:30 p.m. Amo, Celtic rock-and-roll, Tuesday, 10:30 p.m. Karaoke night, Sunday, 11 p.m. Irish night, live bands to be announced, Monday, 10:30 p.m. DJ Passion, modern dance, Wednesday, 10 p.m.
Wild Rose Cafe, Bridgehampton. Zola the Magician, tonight, 9. The Poor Lost Souls, rhythm and blues and soul, tonight, 9:30. Zombies On Broadway, blues-based rock-and-roll, tomorrow, 9:30 p.m. The Parlor Dogs, roots-rock, Saturday, 9:30 p.m. Matt Hilgenberg, jazz, Sunday, 7:45 and 10 p.m.