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Guild Hall: And the Winning Members Are . . .

Guild Hall: And the Winning Members Are . . .

Winners of the Guild Hall Members Art Show, chosen by Elisabeth Sussman, gathered outside the museum on Saturday night.
Winners of the Guild Hall Members Art Show, chosen by Elisabeth Sussman, gathered outside the museum on Saturday night.
Durell Godfrey
Stephanie Brody-Lederman won top honors for her painting “Reading Plato,”
By
Jennifer Landes

    Guild Hall’s 75th Members Show opened on Saturday and with it came the announcement of the winners selected by this year’s awards judge, Elisa­beth Sussman, curator of photography at the Whitney Museum of American Art.

    Stephanie Brody-Lederman won top honors for her painting “Reading Plato,” a combination of oil, acrylic, graphite, and wax on canvas with text and a nosegay of roses. She will receive a solo show for her efforts. A previous win by Ms. Brody-Lederman resulted in a solo exhibition in 2004. Her next exhibition will be on view in 2015 and she said she is already planning for it.

    Other winners include Mary H. Mulholland for “An Event Extraordinaire,” which was chosen as best representing the “diamond theme” of the 75th anniversary of the event. William S. Heppenheimer won for best abstract painting for his work “Tablet K.” Dianne Balducci’s “Cul-de-Sac-Ranch” was judged to be the best representational work. Jean Truskty Stiles’s “Dancing Girl” was best photograph. The best work on paper was Sue Ferguson Gussow’s “Pippa,” a pastel. Goran Petmil’s “White Box,” an amalgamation of Art Forum magazines formed into a cube, won for best sculpture. Jason Poremba’s “Glimmer of Hope” won for best mixed media.

    There were also special prizes such as the Catherine and Theo Hios best landscape award, which went to Stephanie Reit for “Vanishing Point.” The best new artist award went to Daniel Runfola for “Black Diamond.”

    Ms. Sussman also chose several artists for honorable mentions. They were Emily Abramson, Eva Iacono, John Hall, Carol Saxe, Joe Pintauro, Julia Small-Gamby, David Yohay, Kevin Hart, Matthew Satz, Perry Burns, Anik Libby, Elaine Marinoff, and Jackie Black.

    The exhibition will remain on view through June 1. A gallery tour conducted by Michelle Klein, who organized the show, and the winners will be held on May 18.  

The Art Scene: 05.02.13

The Art Scene: 05.02.13

Jack Youngerman’s works on paper will be on view at the Drawing Room in East Hampton beginning tomorrow.
Jack Youngerman’s works on paper will be on view at the Drawing Room in East Hampton beginning tomorrow.
Local art news

Paper Retrospective

    A selection of Jack Youngerman’s works on paper from 1951 to 2012 will be on view at East Hampton’s Drawing Room gallery beginning tomorrow and running through June 3.

    Mr. Youngerman has been exploring invented form, organic abstraction, symmetry, and asymmetry with a bold palette since his early years in Paris after World War II. This exhibition will present rare early collages, colorful gouache and oil paintings, and select India ink compositions. The aim is to trace his progression from early geometric collages to the most recent results of his longstanding interest in radiating symmetrical variations.

    Mr. Youngerman established a studio in Bridgehampton in the late 1960s and has been a full-time resident since 1995. He has been the subject of 50 one-person shows and had a full retrospective at the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum in 1986.

Two at Halsey Mckay

    Beginning Saturday with a reception from 6 to 8 p.m., Halsey Mckay Gallery in East Hampton will show two solo exhibitions, “Rose Shoulder,” work by Colby Bird, and “Sarah Dornner: Transoms.”

    Mr. Bird harnesses light itself in sculptures that incorporate lights to become functional lamps. The hard-edged industrialism of his designs is not of the classic porcelain ginger jar variety. Instead, brick and other industrial materials are his mediums, which he sands, saws, and stains to effect laborious transformations. Mr. Bird’s background as a photographer has instilled in him a particular interest in the properties and consequences of light.

    Ms. Dornner is concerned with perception and “its destabilizing effect on spatial engagement,” according to the gallery. Working in sculpture and two dimensions, she deconstructs patterns and forms into linear elements. Her materials are aluminum, steel, lacquer, and wood, and she uses them to explore her compositions in both two and three dimensions. Ms. Dornner earned an M.F.A. in sculpture at Yale University.

    The exhibition will be on view through May 26.

Mixed Media at Ashawagh

    “Mixed Media Plus” will be on view this weekend at Ashawagh Hall in Springs. The show will feature the work of Ronnie Grill, Gene Samuelson, Nadine, Lance Corey, Alyce Peifer, Frank Sofo, Anna Franklin, Elizabeth Weiss, Anne McAlinden, Laura Benjamin, Catherine Silver, Ann McNamee, and Ursula Thomas. It will open on Saturday afternoon with a reception from 5 to 8 and remain on view through Sunday.

New at Crazy Monkey

    Crazy Monkey Gallery’s May show in Amagansett will feature four cooperative members: Jana Hayden, Jim Hayden, Ellyn Tucker, and Bob Tucker, as well as a group exhibit of other members such as Tina Andrews, Barbara Bilotta, Beth Barry, Daniel Dubinsky, Lance Corey, Katherine Hammond, Cathy Hunter, June Kaplan, Andrea McCafferty, Sheila Rotner, Daniel Schoenheimer, and Mark E. Zimmerman. The work will be on view beginning tomorrow, with a reception on Saturday from 5 to 7 p.m. It will remain on view through May 27.

“Two Men” at Nightingale

    Sara Nightingale Gallery in Water Mill will present “Two Men,” an exhibition of photographs and a book signing by John Jonas Gruen, and recent paintings by Gus Yero opening on Saturday from 6 to 8 p.m.

    At the same time, Ms. Nightingale’s #blinddates/musiclab series will have Erez and Jonah Kreitner, a k a Fiddle ’n’ Bones, providing musical entertainment with Dalton Portella on djembe and conga.

    “Two Men” is a book of photographs by Mr. Gruen that examines relationships of intimacy between men, some of whom are lovers and some who are not. “From the first, men have been assigned the role of leader, provider, decider, protector, instigator, fighter, and wooer,” he writes in the foreword to the book. “All of us will continuously and forever be subjected to what the world . . . thinks a man should be.” The exhibition includes 30 of these photographs.

    Mr. Yero is an abstract painter who experiments with formal composition and uses color to play with shape, scale, and pattern. His latest works are inspired by views he saw in Sedona, Ariz., earlier this year: “The architectural landscape of the red rocks, their layers and flat surfaces, as well as the influences of Navajo weavings and the artisans of the Hopi Indians, have all found their way into these paintings. I see everything as color and shapes. When painting I use color as my vocabulary to create and inspire stories.”

Public Radio Art

    Mitchell Park in Greenport will be the site of the first WPPB Art Show on June 8. Artists and galleries have been invited to participate as exhibitors at this event, which will have individual tents for artists and galleries as well as a larger general display tent for smaller presentations.

    Spaces will be allocated on a first-come-first-served basis. Juried entry is by Hector deCordova. The registration deadline is Friday, May 10. Further information is available on the station’s Web site.

Hoepker at 4 North Main

    Thomas Hoepker, a German photographer who lives in Southampton, is showing his work at 4 North Main Gallery in Southampton through Tuesday.

    Mr. Hoepker came of age in Germany and worked for publications there such as Municher Illustrierte and Stern. Magnum Photos, a cooperative photography agency and archive, began to distribute his archive in 1964 and he became a full member in 1989.

    In addition to still photography, Mr. Hoepker worked in documentary films for German television in the 1970s. He eventually moved to New York and was president of Magnum from 2003 to 2006. He is both a photojournalist and a features photographer, and his work has won many awards.

    The show will feature subjects of his with a regional connection, such as Roy Lichtenstein, Andy Warhol, Willem de Kooning, John Chamberlain, Chuck Close, and Henry Geldzahler. Other subjects include Muhammad Ali and Claes Oldenburg, whose work is currently on view at the Museum of Modern Art.

    Mr. Hoepker will be in the gallery to speak with patrons tomorrow and Saturday from 3 to 8 p.m.

 

Daisy Jopling

Daisy Jopling

At Guild Hall
By
Star Staff

    Guild Hall will present the Daisy Jopling Band featuring Chanterelle, Man­ly Men, and the Far East Fiddle Club, all from East Hampton High School, on Saturday at 7:30 p.m.

    Ms. Jopling, a classical/rock violinist, is returning from tours in Europe to perform new arrangements of pop and rock songs, new originals, and modern arrangements of the great classics. She will also spotlight some of East Hampton’s young musicians, including Brandon White, a violinist, the Chanterelle singers, directed by David Douglas, and the Far East Fiddle Club, directed by Troy Grindle.

    Ms. Jopling began her solo career performing a concerto at the Royal Albert Hall in London at the age of 14. Since then she has toured the world, recorded the music with Triology for the films “Spanglish” and “The Road to El Dorado,” signed to BMG RCA Victor, and recorded six albums. After opening the Vienna Festival before 30,000 people, she is now playing rock arrangements of great classical pieces with her new band.

    Tickets cost $20, $18 for members, and $10 for students, and are available online at guildhall.org and theatermania.com, and at the box office three hours before curtain.

 

Brandenburg Appointed

Brandenburg Appointed

The concert will take place in the Parish Hall of Most Holy Trinity Catholic Church in East Hampton.
By
Star Staff

    The Choral Society of the Hamptons has named David M. Brandenburg its executive director. He is a composer, co-founder of the Hamptons Shakespeare Festival, and music director of the Sag Harbor Community Band.

    Mr. Brandenburg will help produce the society’s June 29 performance of Handel’s oratorio “Israel in Egypt” Part II (Exodus) and Bach’s cantata 79, “Gott der Herr ist Sonn und Schild.”

    A collaboration with the Greenwich Village Singers and the South Fork Chamber Orchestra, the concert will take place in the Parish Hall of Most Holy Trinity Catholic Church in East Hampton. It will be followed by a benefit dinner at the Palm restaurant with Mark Mangini, the society’s music director and conductor, and soloists from the performance.

    Interested singers can arrange auditions by calling Mr. Brandenburg at 204-9402. More information is at the society’s Web site, choralsocietyofthehamptons.org.

 

Buckingham” Opens

Buckingham” Opens

At the South­ampton Cultural Center
By
Star Staff

    Tina Andrews will bring her new production of “Buckingham” to the South­ampton Cultural Center for seven performances beginning tonight with a preview at 8 p.m.

    Ms. Andrews wrote the play and will also direct it. It “dramatizes the aristocratic intrigue, ethnic scandal, and family dysfunction in the life of Queen Charlotte Sophia who was forced to hide her Moorish features and skin tone under heavy white Elizabethan makeup before her arranged marriage to “mad” King George III,” according to the center. The ruse was not discovered until their wedding night.

    Ms. Andrews ran the play in Santa Monica under the title “Charlotte Sophia” and it was well received. It is based on her novel  “Charlotte Sophia: Myths, Madness and the Moor.” She also wrote the miniseries “Sally Hemings: An American Scandal,” which is based on her play “The Mistress of Monticello.”

    The play will open officially tomorrow at 7 p.m. and will also be performed Saturday at 8 p.m. and Sunday at 2:30 p.m. It will also be presented next weekend. Tickets are $22 and $12 for students under 21 with a student ID with discounts for group sales. Tickets can be purchased at the door or through the center’s Web site, scc-arts.org. Ms. Andrews will discuss the play and take questions after tomorrow’s performance.

 

Audrey Flack at Baruch

Audrey Flack at Baruch

The performance happens at the Engelman Recital Hall in the Baruch Performing Arts Center
By
Star Staff

    Audrey Flack and the History of Art Band will perform on Tuesday at 6 p.m. as part of an all-day conference at the Baruch Jewish Studies Center at 55 Lexington Avenue in Manhattan. The performance happens at the Engelman Recital Hall in the Baruch Performing Arts Center. The entrance is on East 25th Street between Lexington and Third Avenue. 

    Ms. Flack will also be a panelist at the conference. “Jewish Ways of Seeing: The Visual Arts and the Jewish Tradition” happens from 4 to 5:45 p.m. Ms. Flack will appear on the panel along with Vivian Mann, a professor at the Jewish Theological Seminary, Tom Freudenheim, a former deputy director and C.O.O. of Judisches Museum Berlin, and Samantha Baskind, a professor at Cleveland State University.

 

Cultural Celebration

Cultural Celebration

At the Parrish Art Museum
By
Star Staff

    The Parrish Art Museum will host a spring cultural celebration on Sunday from 1 to 4 p.m. Originally scheduled for February but preempted by a storm, the event honors the diverse heritages represented on the East End. Groups from the area will perform traditional folk dances and music throughout the afternoon.

    Scheduled to perform are Danni Medina, Grupo Folklorico Xochipilli, the Kalikay Group’s Andean Music, the Kildare Academy of Irish Dance, the Shinnecock Thunderbird Singers and Dancers, and the Tewa Marimba Ensemble from the Bridgehampton School. Activities will also include family art workshops and tours of the museum.

    The event is included in the price of museum admission, which is $10 for adults and $8 for senior citizens. Members get in free. Advance reservations have been recommended.

 

Rossa Cole: The Photo’s the Thing, or Is It?

Rossa Cole: The Photo’s the Thing, or Is It?

Rossa Cole’s studio in Sag Harbor shows evidence of his photography and his more recent forays into sculpture.
Rossa Cole’s studio in Sag Harbor shows evidence of his photography and his more recent forays into sculpture.
Morgan McGivern
Mr. Cole, a Sag Harbor photographer and sculptor, has built a body of work utilizing the cast-offs of others
By
Jennifer Landes

   Over several weeks last fall, late-season coastal storms and the Sandy Hook School shootings overwhelmed human emotional response. People who lost homes are still trying to put the pieces back together and those who lost loved ones will never be the same.

    Rossa Cole well remembers the days after Hurricane Sandy came ashore on Oct. 29 in southern New Jersey. The slow-moving storm lasted for days and spread its damaging winds and rain in a wide swath that hit areas of New York City and western Long Island particularly hard. Here, the high tide line of the storm was evident by the line of detritus in its wake, well over the dunes.

    Mr. Cole, a Sag Harbor photographer and sculptor who has built a body of work utilizing the cast-offs of others, found himself collecting accumulated bits of flotsam and jetsam, not sure of their ultimate purpose, but certain of their metaphorical weight.

    He said recently that it became clear to him what to do with the objects after the morning of Dec. 14, when 20 children and six adults were fatally shot in Newtown, Conn. And so he began his process, similar to how he had built gulls, penguins, dolphins, and other creatures from wire and found six-pack rings, and went online to get a visual model of the guns Adam Lanza had used. Then he set to work, replicating them with an aggregation of old lighters, tampon applicators, pacifiers, spray bottle tops, and actual shotgun shell casings, among other bits of plastic, rubber, and metal.

    He has three from this series, titled simply by their manufacturer and including the assault rifle Lanza used to blow his way through the school’s front door as well as two semiautomatic handguns, all rendered to approximate scale. The brightly colored materials make the guns appear toy-like but they are recreated faithfully enough that they still look menacing. Yet they seem, like most of his work, to be about hope, even aspirations, and certainly rebirth.

    Mr. Cole, whom some may remember from the pages of this newspaper as a staff photographer, began making his ecologically themed sculpture a few years ago. Known for years for his event and society photography, “I was ready for something different,” he said. “I worked as an assistant to a commercial still-life photographer,” Charles Nesbit, who photographs jewelry, makeup, liquor and the like with an edgy, dramatic flair.

    Inspired to bring some of the techniques he learned into his own artistic projects, “I realized I needed a theme. I chose ecology.” He started taking “green” pictures, “messing around with Photoshop” to create interesting backdrops and juxtapositions. But eventually, he came upon a vision of an object he couldn’t quite realize in Photoshop — a plug made of natural materials to promote the use of clean power sources. “So I decided to build it myself.”

    The result was a realistic-looking plug formed solely from small pieces of cut wood. But Mr. Cole didn’t stop there. He realized there were other things he wanted to see made and plenty of material to make them with — and all of it free. He began collecting cast-offs from neighbors in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, where he keeps a studio: fishing lure remnants, six-pack rings, old cellphone motors, and solar panels from outside lights. These became his medium to create kinetic and sound sculptures, lacy and evanescent animal sculptures, lamps, dioramas, and other installation-themed objects.

    One of the more striking results of these labors are his sea animal pieces made of six-pack rings. He started with a seagull, working from photographs to get the shape correct in wire and then cladding the body with the rings, attaching them with plastic ties.

    It takes him about two days to wrap a gull. The result is a light and lacy vision, delicate yet substantial and prone to eventual decomposition. He’s moved on to penguins, dolphins, and a sea turtle, and is already planning to rewrap an early seagull whose rings broke down. He aims for a cleaner look than those earlier versions, now using fishing wire to hold the rings down and make them disappear. He said he liked the natural symmetry of the gulls and all of his nature studies. His pieces, too, are completely symmetrical.

    Mr. Cole continues to work in wood as well, fashioning a house model with references to ideas for greener living. He also built a small model of the Deepwater Horizon rig that blew up in the Gulf of Mexico and caused massive oil spills and devastation to the region. His series of photographs of motor oil and water not mixing also refer to that disaster.

    In fact, while he continues to make sculptures, and they exist as stand-alone pieces, most often the photograph he uses them in is their highest realization. Not that you’d know it from his Sag Harbor studio, where all the objects and the materials he uses to make them are accumulating around him.

    “The photo is what is left of the process,” he said. “They’re meant to be shared.” They also survive as documents, if and when the objects disappear.

Seasons by the Sea: Farm Stands, Flowers, and Fluff

Seasons by the Sea: Farm Stands, Flowers, and Fluff

“It’s All Good” by Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Turshen is Ms. Paltrow’s follow-up to her best-selling cookbook, “My Father’s Daughter,” but it may offer more for those who like to gaze at pictures of the actress than those who loved her earlier book.
“It’s All Good” by Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Turshen is Ms. Paltrow’s follow-up to her best-selling cookbook, “My Father’s Daughter,” but it may offer more for those who like to gaze at pictures of the actress than those who loved her earlier book.
By
Laura Donnelly

   This is a review of three cookbooks, three cookbooks that could not be more different from each other. One is a wonderful tribute to local restaurants, their chefs, and the farmers and fishermen who inspire and provide for them. One is a charming and original book about cooking with flowers. And one is possibly the stupidest publication ever, call it quackery in a crockpot.

    “The Hamptons and Long Island Homegrown Cookbook” (Voyageur Press, $30) is by Leeann Lavin with beautiful photographs by Lindsey Morris and Jennifer Calais Smith. And yes, you must have the name Hamptons in any local book if it is to sell, according to publishers. The only problem with a book like this is it is practically obsolete as soon as it is published. Restaurants come and go out here, faster than the seasons, it seems.

    The format of the book is wonderful. There are in-depth profiles of the chefs on one page, with a profile of their favorite farmer or fisherman or cheesemaker on the other. These are then followed by numerous recipes from the restaurants. I loved reading about the inspirations and backgrounds of such chefs as Kevin Penner, Jason Weiner, and Gretchen Menser. However, there are so many misspellings, booboos, and various and sundry other mistakes in the book, that I sure do hope the recipes are accurate.

    First let’s correct name spellings. It’s Jackson Pollock, not Pollack. Jimmy Buffett, Eric Fischl, David Loewenberg. It’s tuna tartare, not tartar, piccata not picatta, skagen not sgaken. A few facts: Michael Rozzi never became the chef at East Hampton Grill when Hillstone Group took over Della Femina, nor does East Hampton Grill still have “walls lined with graphic art portraits featuring some of the restaurant’s more storied customers and clients” as it did when Jerry Della Femina was at the helm. The only caricatures left are of Jerry and his wife, Judy, and they, alas, have been relegated to the restroom entrances. I don’t think Bryan Futterman taught cooking classes at La Fondita, “a family style Italian salumeria,” according to the book. I’m pretty sure La Fondita is a cute little Mexican takeout joint on the highway serving refreshing horchatas and dainty fish tacos on homemade tortillas. The Grill on Pantigo was long empty before the book’s publication. James Carpenter, formerly of the Living Room, is described as “circumspect.” I have worked with this gentleman and he is sooo not circumspect. Oh, and it’s not “The Living Room at the Maidstone Inn,” it’s c/o the Maidstone, formerly the Maidstone Arms. Am I being nitpicky? Maybe, but I think the book could have used an editor and fact checker.

    That said, other highlights of the book are the inclusion of North and South Shore restaurants, some I had never heard of. The North Fork and Shelter Island get some attention with North Fork Table and Vine Street Cafe, among others. The book promises “local, seasonable, sustainable, farm fresh,” and it delivers with tempting recipes like Cuvée oysters, pan-seared local scallops with summer succotash, frisee salad and crispy fried beets, warm berry cobbler with lemon verbena ice cream.

    You can try a simply grilled Montauk swordfish from Vine Street Cafe or drive yourself mad attempting the short-lived Southfork Kitchen’s Korean-style P.E.I. mussels, a recipe that could drive Charlie Trotter and Thomas Keller combined crazy.

    “Cooking With Flowers” (Quirk Books, $24.95) by Miche Bacher with photographs by Miana Jun is a jewel of a book. I knew you could toss some nasturtium petals on a salad or use organic edible orchids to garnish a cake, but tulips, hollyhocks, dandelions, and sunflowers? There are so many ways to use the flowers of our gardens, it is mind-boggling.

    Prudently, the book begins with a reminder that you absolutely must use organic and/or homegrown flowers with no chemicals. Also, if you have allergies to certain plants, chances are you shouldn’t be using them in your cooking. Then the book proceeds to enchant you with the lore and nicknames and flavors and medicinal properties of each. Who knew that dandelions were also known as swine snout, puffball, Irish daisy, and wet-the-bed flower? That orchids taste of cucumber and endive? That steamed sunflower buds taste quite like steamed artichokes?

    “Cooking With Flowers” goes through the alphabet of edible flowers, educating you with the background, seasonality, culinary uses, and what you need to do to prepare each for cooking. Some are incredibly labor intensive, such as those using the tiny blooms of dianthus; 50 to 70 flowers are needed to yield one cup of petals. Others are as simple as coating zucchini flowers in tempura batter and frying.

    The recipes are wide-ranging, from lilac sorbet to tulip martinis to nasturtium pizza. The kooky popcorn chive blossom cupcakes and coconut lilac tapioca are at the top of my must-try-next list. The food styling and photography are also just so pretty and original. The back of the book is filled with basic recipes such as for drying or candying flowers, simple syrups, jams, jellies, ice cubes, vodkas, vinegars, and more. The tone is helpful, fun, and generous. “Cooking With Flowers” combines all the ingredients of a good cookbook: engaging narrative, inspiring recipes, and beautiful photography. Miche Bacher exhorts us in the last words of her book “work hard, but take time to eat your roses.”

    “It’s All Good” (Grand Central Life & Style, $32) by Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Turshen is mostly all bad. Or mostly unnecessary. I had heard a lot of Gwyneth-bashing before I delved into this book and felt it was quite unfair. Is it jealousy? She’s pretty and talented, and I loved her first cookbook, “My Father’s Daughter.” That book was warm and loving and had fun, healthy recipes — the brown rice with kale and scallions is one of my favorites. But the critics are right. This is a silly, bordering on irresponsible, book. On the plus side, if you like looking at Gwyneth, there are 36 photographs of her! Makeup free, sunshiny fresh, looking like images from a luxurious Brunello Cucinelli catalog, all taupes and grays and cashmere and East End light, although there are a few of her looking really Daisy Duke-ish in denim cutoff short shorts.

    The book came about cuz she got a headache and thought she was going to die. This was a panic attack. She went to gobs and gobs of doctors and learned that she had a gazillion health problems, including blood parasites and vitamin deficiencies. Does this mean we should disregard her previous healthy lifestyle advice? No, we should just disregard the navel gazing. The doctor she bonded most with practices what he calls psychospiritual nutrition and uses techniques from Ayurveda, Tibetan medicine, anthroposophical medicine, acu­puncture, and energy healing. Anthroposophy is based on the teachings of Rudolf Steiner. In a nutshell, through a prescribed method of self-discipline, cognitional experience of the spiritual world can be achieved.

    On page 278 Gwyneth shares a recipe for a hard-boiled egg. Gwynnie! May I call you Gwynnie? No? Then may I call you Nurse Ratched, because I feel like McMurphy in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” and you are torturing me with this beyond-ascetic tome. The first recipe begins with “I’m allergic to oats.” She is also forbidden by her doctor to indulge in coffee, alcohol, dairy, sugar, shellfish, gluten, and soy. This is an “elimination diet” which the book gleefully proclaims Gwyneth goes on “when she needs to lose weight . . . and now you can too!” Whee! I’d rather eat a tapeworm.

    This book also has a recipe for roast chicken. Chicken. A recipe for sliced avocado on a piece of toast. These aren’t recipes; they’re sentences.

    The one piece of advice that I find particularly disturbing is the recommendation to use xylitol in place of sugar: “Xylitol is a natural sweetener made from fruit and vegetable fibers. We know it sounds super-medical and scientific, but it’s actually an INCREDIBLY HEALTHY [caps mine] alternative to sugar, is remarkably good for your teeth, and works really well in baking.” Nurse Ratched, are you shilling for Dupont Labs? A piece of gum with xylitol has double the amount needed to kill a rat. It is poisonous to dogs. Xylitol is derived from xylan, extracted from corn, sugar cane, or birch. It is a molecular cousin to sugar and is created using a multi-step chemical reaction with sulfuric acid, calcium oxide, phosphoric acid, and active charcoal. The end result is a bleached, powdery blend of sugary alcohols that tastes sweet but is not absorbed by the body. It will cause diarrhea, which Gwyneth’s doctor does mention. On page 279 the recipe for orange marmalade calls for three oranges and one full cup of xylitol. Nuff said.

Click for recipes

South Fork Poetry: ‘Hate Mail’

South Fork Poetry: ‘Hate Mail’

By Carol Muske-Dukes

You are a whore. You are an old whore.

Everyone hates you. God hates you.

He pretty much has had it with all women.

But, let me tell you, especially you. You like

To think that you can think faster than

The rest of us — hah! We drive the car

In which you’re a crash dummy! So

Why do you defy our Executive Committee

Which will never cede its floor to you? If a pig

Flew out of a tree & rose to become

A blimp — you would write a poem

About it, ignoring the Greater Good,

The hard facts of gravity. You deserve to be

Flattened by the Greater Good — pigs don’t

Fly, yet your arrogance is that of a blimp

Which has long forgotten its place on this earth.

Big arrogance unmoored from its launchpad

Floating free, up with mangy Canadian honkers,

Up with the spy satellites and the ruined

Ozone layer which is, btw, caused by your breath,

Because you were born to ruin everything, hacking

Into the inspiration of the normal human ego.

You are not Queen Tut, honey, you are not

Even a peasant barmaid, you are an aristocrat

Of Trash, land mine of exploding rhinestones,

Crown of thorns, cabal of screech bats!

I am telling you this as an old friend,

Who is offering advice for your own good —

Change now or we will have to Take Measures —

If you know what I mean, which you do —

& now let’s hear one of your fucked-up poems:

let’s hear you refute this truth any way you can.

   “Hate Mail,” from 2012, is included in “The Best of the Best American Poetry,” out earlier this month from Scribner. Carol Muske-Dukes lives part time in Springs and teaches English and creative writing at the University of Southern California.