Who recalls the “teardrops in rain” monologue from “Blade Runner”? Rutger Hauer, playing the robot-replicant Roy Batty, says it at the end of Ridley Scott’s sci-fi masterpiece: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”
We were muttering the “teardrops in rain” monologue all weekend — trying to find the humor in any tribulation — each time we witnessed another stunning miracle of horrible behavior in cars. Especially in the rain, in the parking lots. We’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe!
Every summer, like clockwork, East Enders complain that traffic is “the worst we’ve ever seen it.” It’s such a cliche that someone should make T-shirts. But, genuinely, we hold up our right hand to solemnly swear that the storm-wracked traffic snarls of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were the ultimate in parking misery. Never has there been such gridlock. Never have other drivers demonstrated such audacity.
High on our “stop doing that!” list is the Traffic Tantrum. The Traffic Tantrum is when another driver does something rude, so you double down and do something worse. We witnessed a Traffic Tantrum for the ages on Madison Street in Sag Harbor on Sunday, when a Jaguar blithely stole a parking space that a Porsche had been backing into. The Porsche driver responded by stopping her car at an angle so that it blocked traffic on Madison in both directions and exiting the vehicle to snap photos of her opponent’s license plate. Thus, the progress of traffic all the way back to Long Wharf was halted, with reverberations (in the other direction) all the way to Mashashimuet Park.
Next on our list of “please, Lord, never do this!” is the entitled use of hazard lights. Guess what, good people? Turning on your hazard lights does not grant you automatic permission to double park, to park in front of a fire hydrant, or to use a space reserved for handicapped-tag parking.
Next is honking to get another driver, who has entered their parked car, to hurry up and leave their parking spot more quickly. An angry motorist did this to a member of staff behind Schiavoni’s market this weekend. Memo to motorist: You have no idea if another parker intends to leave, or why they may be hesitating.
Next: If you ever find yourself applying the middle finger to more than one passing car at a time, take it as an indication that the problem isn’t them, it’s you. Another staff member saw a young woman in a pickup roll down her window and present the finger to one, two, three, four, five, and six passing cars. This angry motorist was headed south by the flagpole in East Hampton Village, trying to turn left to proceed toward the beach using the slipway behind Town Pond; the recipients of the finger were minding their own business, driving with the right of way toward the business district. Their offense was not stopping to let her turn across the flow of traffic. If only she’d smiled at the oncoming cars, someone might have stopped for her; middle fingers never get you what you want.
The list goes on, but we’ll spare you. You’ve seen it all, yourselves. What message do we wish to convey? That — on the roads and in the parking lots, as everywhere — a little sugar and kindness get you to your destination more quickly than rage-honking and obscenities.