South Fork traffic is so bad that no one bothers to say that this summer is the worst ever. Perhaps this is because it has hit a point that, short of gridlock from Water Mill to Montauk, it could not get any worse. Yeah, I know, wishful thinking.
Going from Point A to Point B without losing one’s mind is the challenge. Our roads are an obstacle course of alarms, dangers, and irritations. It is the same old story: too many people crammed onto too little roadway with too few clues about how to handle it all.
Getting angry on the road helps no one. We might get a sweet dopamine surge after yelling at someone, but the bad feeling lingers. It can be embarrassing, too. The other driver you make a rude gesture to turns out to be a friend from high school.
Humor helps. Instead of the middle finger, I enjoy displaying the one-inch, or tiny measure, sign, generally to male drivers. That bit of dexterous wit will probably get me killed one of these days, but no matter, I will have snickered all the way to my tomb.
Building on making light of traffic hell, one of my current works in progress is Bad Driving Bingo. I’m taking suggestions.
Each square will be marked with a specific misdeed we might encounter: “double-parked at Starbucks”; “signal right, turn left at Balsam Farms,” for example. Participants will be able to download a copy to print out themselves. They can then mark the boxes for each infraction they encounter, moral or otherwise.
I might have a bingo box for “family on Airbnb bikes” and one for “ice cream shuffle at Bay Street.” More ideas: “Uber driver asleep in Escalade.” “Uber driver peeing behind tree.” “Tailgated by an Audi.” “Tailgated by a teenager.” “E-bike no headlight.” “E-bike no helmet,” and so on.
I floated the concept to an 9-year-old this week. He got it and declared it funny. His mom said it would be easy for them to win because she yells about somebody’s bad driving just about every time they leave the house.
Sure, filling out a bingo card while behind the wheel is dumb and dangerous, but, face it, what else are we going to do when gridlock hits?