Learning the Language of Respect - The East Hampton Star

School of Thought

Learning the Language of Respect

By Mariah Bruehl

(09/24/2009) Social and emotional intelligence has been an educational catchphrase for some years, but what does it really mean? Is it just a touchy-feely phrase or could it actually be a significant factor in your child’s success?

Managing the social and emotional nuances of personal relationships and those in the workplace is difficult for adults. So to expect children to navigate through the trials and tribulations of their emotions and social circles without guidance is unrealistic. As a parent, I have done a lot to help my children, and I have learned a thing or two about myself along the way.

As parents know, it is easy to become consumed with the daily necessities of raising children. At times I have had to remind myself to step back in order to gain some perspective on the things that matter most. What do I really want my children to gain from their years of living in our home and from their education?

In my ideal world, I would like them to respect other children’s points of view, maintain a positive attitude, motivate and inspire others, be able to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings by communicating effectively, have the capacity to persevere, and (if that weren’t enough) to think outside the box.

These goals reflect attitude rather than fact-based content. Yes, it is critically important that children become well versed in academic subjects, but what they do with that knowledge, and their attitude while getting it done, usually determines a person’s success. So how do parents go about helping our children develop social and emotional intelligence?

A good place to start is by introducing children to the language of respect at an early age (although it is never too late). If I could choose two terms to be introduced in every household and school across the land, it would be “put-ups” and “put-downs.” These words describe concepts that are among the most powerful I have ever taught.

I first discovered put-ups and put-downs in graduate school when I took a weekend course from an organization called Educators for Social Responsibility. Simply stated, put-downs are words or actions that make people feel bad and put-ups make people feel good. The concepts may be simple to teach, but the impact can be profound.

My husband and I introduced these terms to our children by playing a game. We would take turns making statements such as, “I really like the story that you wrote,” or “This game is only for three people.” The girls would guess whether the statement was a put-up or put-down. After a while, they were able to generate their own examples and could be heard using the terms when playing on their own.

Once children begin to internalize the concept, it is helpful to introduce forms of non-verbal communication, such as how someone’s tone of voice can change the meaning of their words. Role-playing is a light-hearted way to explore these subtleties. Here are a few sentences that can feel like put-ups if said with a kind tone, yet feel like put-downs if said gruffly; “Go ahead.” “I’ll get it.” “That’s fine with me.” By repeating them to one another and experimenting with how the tone changes the meaning, children get the idea very quickly.

The same approach can be used to explore other kinds of non-verbal communication. You can start by asking, “Is there a way to give a put-up without using words?” “How about a put-down?” Next, you can take turns demonstrating non-verbal put-ups, like a smile, and put-downs, like turning your back on someone.

Equipping young children with a deep understanding of these concepts gives them the ability to communicate feelings, which may have seemed almost intangible before. After using these techniques in my classroom, students were comfortable telling each other when something felt like a put-down, which led to a new level of dialogue between peers. Not only were they more considerate of each other’s feelings, they had the language to speak up for themselves (in a non-offensive way) when someone said something hurtful. I also found that my students started to stand up for each other more readily because they had a common language to draw upon. The culture of the classroom was transformed.

Next comes a word of caution. Be prepared to be told that something you just said or the tone of voice you used feels like a put-down. This is where your own learning comes in. When this happens in our home, I simply take a deep breath and do what I ask of our children. I rethink what I want to say and rephrase it without the tone or subtle dig. This can be humbling, although the result can be a powerful foundation of respect within the family.