Montauk Monster: The Real Story
(8/7/2008) Since my birthday is on Sunday, I was going to write a very profound column for this space about the passage of time. But once the Montauk Monster surfaced I had no choice but to change my tune. This story is just too good to pass up.
In case you’ve been living under a rock these last few weeks and haven’t heard of the Montauk Monster, let me summarize:
My daughter Jenna goes to the beach with friends. Daughter and friends find a weird-looking creature dead on the sand. Daughter takes picture and friends send it out to more friends online with the subject titled “What tha?”
Picture finds way to Internet through some guy who claims his girlfriend’s sister took the picture, which is highly doubtful because Jenna, my daughter, is the only one of the group who has a sister, and that would be my other daughter, Heather, who is happily married to my favorite son-in-law, Brian.
But I digress. Picture explodes and appears on the Fox News channel on July 30. I was sipping my morning coffee in bed and reading the newspaper when my husband, who was in another room and is very excitable, starts screaming, “It’s on, it’s on, hurry up. C’mere.”
By this time, though, the creature is old news to us so I have no idea what he’s talking about, but go running to the television anyway. And there it is — the creature in Jenna’s photo — now named the Montauk Monster.
But Fox news didn’t really have any information other than the picture. So who do they call for expert commentary but Dan Rattiner, a man someone told me never lets the truth get in the way of a good story, and is currently promoting a book about his early days in Montauk. How fortuitous.
He claimed no one knew who found it or where, which was, of course, bogus. If he had asked, he would have known that everyone in Montauk knew the girls who found it and where — the west end of town on the beach in front of the Surfside Inn — not Ditch Plains, which has been reported incorrectly over and over again.
But then again, saying it was found at Ditch, the most popular beach in Montauk right now, makes for a better story. The rumors were rampant: It was a hoax and the picture was doctored, reports said. As if three local girls would really want to attract more tourists to their little seaside hamlet.
It was hauled in by a fisherman out at sea, said another. It was a creature from the Plum Island animal disease center, said a somewhat reliable source, who added that she had seen a creature just like it roaming the island. Others claimed it was an “angry, vicious” alien left behind by its mother ship.
We’ll probably never know because some local yokels dug it up, and it’s now just a rotting carcass that they’re trying to sell.
It must be a very slow news period, because the girls have been inundated by every branch of media, including “Good Morning America” and CNN, seeking interviews about this poor dead creature, which, although it’s been said is a raccoon, is more likely someone’s dog.
Another picture that surfaced after Jenna’s was shot from a different angle and if my chocolate Labrador weren’t sitting right here at my feet I’d be worried about her. The corpse has the same ears, same fangs, and same course, brown fur. The only difference is that the creature is male, he has a dinky.
The girls have been interviewed on television, radio, and, of course, in a few newspapers. They have received threatening phone calls, and calls from someone with a clogged sinus who breathes heavily into the receiver. Jenna was even accused in print by a Newsday columnist of holding back the picture for more money, which was ridiculous.
But how cool is it that we have our very own Montauk Monster? Imagine what we can do with it. We could use it to scare all the New Jersey drivers out of town. Are they not the worst?
We could have it gobble up all the straw fedoras in sight. If I see one more straw fedora I’ll choke someone, even if it is on a relative’s head! We could have the monster surface in the water at the Ditch Plain beach and scare all the kook wannabe surfers out of town.
We could also make some money on this creature. Have some unruly houseguests you want to scare away? For a small fee we’ll prop the monster on the toilet in your house. Then all you have to do is ply your guests with a lot of drink and leave a hall light on. When they see it, probably in the middle of the night, it should send them packing.
For the fall festival in October we can stick a pumpkin on its head and tuck it in between all the corn husks and bittersweet vines that decorate the downtown area. Come Christmas, we can string a garland of white lights around its neck and hang it in the gazebo. It will be pretty rancid by then but I’m sure it will still draw a crowd. It might be a crowd of flies, but by December we start to get desperate out here and any action is welcomed.
When we’re all done with it we’ll dismantle it and sell its bones on e-bay. Wait, someone is already doing that.
Oh, and for my birthday? All I want is a Rolex watch. It’s the same thing I ask for every year and never get because they’re so expensive. But this year, with all the money Jenna is supposedly making on the picture seen around the world, price shouldn’t be a problem.
Janis Hewitt is a senior writer at The East Hampton Star and its Montauk correspondent.