The People's Court
East Hampton
September 21, 1998

To The Editor:

We the people, in order to rebirth a functional union hereby declare the court of public opinion officially in session, the honorable American people presiding.

We regret being forced to repossess our government in this manner, but its branches are in limbo, playing us for saps. We wanted this done for us . . . that's why we hired elected officials. Obviously, our "representatives" understand very little of what we want and need here and now, so we will just have to take away your wind-up world until you learn to play right.

Case number one.

In the matter of Starr vs. Clinton, we find the defendant guilty of disenchanting personal misconduct, and suckering us in with denial of same. Whereas neither constitutes criminality, we sentence the President to reconciliation with humiliation served.

As to the Starr report, the court finds that the alleged "evidence" contained therein is inadmissible, due to flagrant "spirit of the law" violations on the part of the independent counselor's office. Furthermore, we find said chief counsel Kenneth Starr guilty of malicious prosecution, excessive force, intimidation of witnesses, entrapment, and invasion of privacy. We sentence him to abort his now nullified report and return to obscurity, defending unscrupulous corporations.

As to the legislative branch's role in this fiasco: May your chins touch your breast bones, your heads hang so low. We find you guilty of sandbagging and hypocrisy. We sentence you to choose between resignation and 2,000 hours annually of selfless cooperative lawmaking. Double that for incumbents.

As to the judiciary, who in their infinite wisdom saw fit to expose Presidents to the attack of "civil" suits while in office (not to mention quietly wiping out the line item veto), we find you victims of bubble fatigue. The court mandates heavy doses of reality or retirement.

The final player in this soggy saga, the newly converted rag top media, who conveniently lost the worthy in newsworthy, deserve to be boycotted. Having ditched the Pope in Cuba to trash a brilliant, incident-prone President, we find you guilty of operating heaving equipment without a conscience, and sentence you to run out of toilet paper.

DANIEL VANDERBEEK

---

A Conspiracy
East Hampton
September 21, 1998

Dear Editor,

I am ashamed and dismayed by what is going on in Washington, and it isn't Clinton's tawdry affair nor his stupidity in lying about it that shame me. It is the whole of Washington with its posturing, partisanship, and hypocrisy. Its sham-shame is a low point in the history of the United States with its traditions of fairness and justice.

On one side of the coin is President Clinton and his stupidity in getting involved in this affair in the first place, followed by his arrogance in thinking that his lying could cover it all up. However, the bottom line is that everything about this was private! It did not affect our national security nor our foreign-domestic affairs. It was private! And, as Seinfield says, "Everyone lies about sex." Not commendable, but no surprise . . . No big deal!

On the other side of the coin we have the office of the independent counsel, a vehicle with powers equaling a fourth branch of government with unlimited time frames and funding . . . a vehicle so flawed that on Aug. 6 the House voted a rebuke for Ken Starr along with a vote to create a new set of ethical guidelines.

And what has Ken Starr found? After three years and over $40 million . . . nothing regarding the initial investigation of Whitewater, Travelgate, etc. Then along comes Paula Jones, whose entire defense was financed by right-wingers, a case ultimately thrown out.

She, of course, is followed by Monica, via, if not illegal, at least unethical tapes, and with all this Starr goes off on a totally different tangent and with no restraints is able to turn over a lot of rocks. Anyone who turns over a lot of rocks usually finds something, but still, what has he found? A private affair . . . no more!

And now we come to the grand finale . . . a report, which instead of presenting facts only as should have been the case, is biased with opinion and analysis . . . a soap opera interlaced with legal terms to give it credence . . . a legislative body, that in two years has not been able to effect needed changes in our health care system, our crumbling schools, our campaign finance reform, etc., but in less than one hour can vote to make this report public through the Internet . . . . to say nothing of the unprecedented decision to disallow the President the common courtesy of receiving an advance copy of the report.

Something reeks! I thoroughly agree with Mrs. Clinton that there has been a right-wing conspiracy from the start to get rid of Clinton. Could Monica have been a plant???

If Clinton goes down on this, I would love to have the same scrutiny put upon all of Washington. I daresay that the qualities of stupidity, arrogance, and lying would be so duplicated that, overnight, Washington would become a ghost town. I vote no impeachment and request that all of Washington get back to the affairs of government, of which this is not one!

Sincerely,

SUE BOGART

---

Dr. Niwdlab Returns
Natal, South Africa
September 18, 1998

Dear Mrs. Rattray,

As summer slips away, taking with it its warmth and fun and freedom, it leaves behind the responsibilities of autumn. Children return to school and grownups shake off the last of summer's spell, each to face their responsibilities with equal measures of passion and doubt. Everyone, it seems, is suddenly so serious, so full of purpose, in September.

September also brings internationally renowned forensic psychiatrist Dr. Cela Niwdlab back to the East End. Summer's tormenting crowds having exited, Dr. Niwdlab finds the autumnal pleasures of Amagansett irresistible. En route to Long Island, and its golden-leafed ceremonies, my friend stops to visit yours truly, as I am in Africa accompanying my wife while she makes a movie here.

Cela flies to meet me in the Kwa-Zulu Natal province of eastern South Africa. One early morning, we charter a plane and fly to the coast. Over Lake Sibayi, where hippos loll in the morning sun, past large game reserves peppered with zebra, giraffe, and rhino, our pilot seems to be heading straight for the oncoming dunes. Suddenly, the plane pops up for a dramatic reveal of the Indian Ocean and the turquoise waters of the Sodwana Bay. Unspoiled miles of beaches, rich in titanium that shows as faint, ash-colored streaks in the sand, hold coral reefs that provide excellent diving.

We land at a grass airstrip and drive in an open Range Rover to the beach. The beach at Sodwana is cluttered with wildlife. The immediate coastal area boasts more species of trees in a single square mile than in all of Europe. Samango monkeys titter in the bush atop the dunes. The shoreline hosts sea-lice, crustaceans the size of D-batteries that make excellent bait for fishing. Here and there are cowrie shells, which were once used as currency in South Africa hundreds of years ago. Rock outcroppings, visible at low tide, create pools holding a wide array of plants, fish, and crustaceans, all visible to the common snorkeler.

Cela and I walk along this incredible beach, our conversation eventually turning, of course, to politics. "What do you think of Clinton and Starr?" I ask.

Cela is quiet for a moment, then says, "Let's suppose that you patronize a certain dry cleaner. You've done so for years. He does your shirts just right. Then one day, you find out that every weekend he puts a sheet over his head and burns crosses on people's lawns. What do you do?"

"I get another dry cleaner," I said.

"Correct," Cela said. "Not only because you find this man reprehensible, terrorizing and victimizing innocent people, but because you also know that with a modest amount of effort, another good dry cleaner can be had. A President, however, is another matter."

"Continue," I said.

"There are so many complex and powerful elements that go into making an individual believe that they can become the President of the United States. In our modern world, it is almost inconceivably so. That person must possess great intelligence, a will of iron, abundant compassion, uncommon patience, and, above all, emotional resilience," she said.

"Do you believe Clinton has those things?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered quickly.

"Then how did we arrive at this?" I asked.

Cela regarded me evenly and said, "Clinton may simply be lonely. Notice that with Clinton it is not about showgirls and hookers, movie stars and Mafia molls. There's no wham-bam here. Clinton has "relationships." He writes notes. He sends gifts. He confided in Lewinsky, perhaps as a friend; perhaps too much so. Clinton is not a sex junkie, although like many men his friendships with women often invite sexual contact. No, Clinton may be a romance junkie. The sex was a distant second in his priorities. Very distant."

I didn't recall much being said in the press lately about Clinton's predicament in terms of any emotional needs the man might have. "What do you think of what he's done?" I asked.

She replied, "Clinton's transgressions are human failings. Sexual gameplaying and its inherent recklessness; lying to conceal such traits. All very human shortcomings."

"Unlike my fictional dry cleaner," I said, "whose behavior is unconscionable by any measure."

"Precisely," she said. "And, of course, a President is not so easy to replace, which is what the authors of the Constitution intended. In Clinton, we actually have a man of tremendous abilities who also wants the job! That is rare. Most people who would make a good President don't want the aggravation."

I thought about Clinton's recent maneuvers and wondered if we had an incautious man in the White House. "What about Lewinsky and his behavior with her?" I asked.

"What about it?" Cela snorted. "People are painting her as a victim. What nonsense! She preyed upon the loneliness and the isolation of the office. Clinton is a man surrounded by vicious and dedicated enemies whose true nature becomes clearer with each passing day. The pressure to satisfy other people's expectations of him, and his own, must be incalculable."

I thought about how painful it had been to watch the President of my country cannibalized by his supposed fellow countrymen on CNN International these past few weeks; about watching journalists dining out on the whole affair. "Technically speaking, do you think he deserves to be impeached?" I asked.

Cela frowned and said, "Almost, but no. The need to preserve the dignity of the Presidency is an important one. Clinton has done some things to tarnish that. But he has done much to enhance it as well. Clinton has been a good President and most people recognize that. If he were to be impeached, where would we be then? We will have moved beyond the usual demagoguery into actual parliamentary government. If it's Clinton's sex life now, then what's next? Do we drug test the whole Congress? How much alcohol do those Supreme Court Justices drink? Who's had an abortion, an affair, skipped church, or read 'The Catcher in the Rye'?"

"I wouldn't want anyone to go through this,." I said. "Not even Tom DeLay."

"What do you suppose will happen?" I asked.

Cela shook her head, exasperated, and said, "I'll tell you what I hope will happen. I hope that people will see Clinton for what he is. Every book that's been written about these men has prepared us for this and yet we never learn. Clinton is an extraordinary man, one of the brightest to ever hold the office. He is a remarkable and caring man who reached very far, and remained entirely human along the way."

We headed back to the plane. "What do you hear from Amagansett?" Cela asked.

"They say Fred Flintstone's gonna build a golf course over the aquifer," I replied.

Cela rolled her eyes and said, "Now that's something to get upset about!"

ALEC BALDWIN

---

Evil And Wrong
Mullumbimby, Australia
September 9, 1998

Dear Helen:

We thought the Salem witch trials were an extreme aberration of Puritan history but in fact we are reliving the insanity in Washington, D.C., today. The Republicans cannot fault President Clinton on his handling of the economy and foreign affairs. Unemployment and the deficit are close to being forgotten about so they have stooped to a witch trial in a sinister attempt to destroy our President.

Well, since we are about wasting taxpayers' money, let's investigate the sex lives of every Congressman-woman and senator - starting with the Republicans - and let's see how honest they will be when grilled by a Puritan zealot like Ken Starr.

Starr could not get President and Mrs. Clinton over Whitewater (which was clearly a trumped-up Republican scam from the beginning), so he has been weaseling around trying to scrape up any piece of dirt he can find. Well, now we know that the President is a normal man, let's spend as much money and time on each Republican Congressman and senator and see what their sex lives are like.

It's time the American people stood up to this McCarthyism and sent Ken Starr packing. If Ken Starr had been around in the days of F.D.R., Eisenhower, or John Kennedy, he would have destroyed three fine Presidents. What Ken Starr is doing is evil, it is wrong, and it is a dangerous precedent for America. All thinking Americans will stand up and say, "Enough, stop the witch hunt!"

Well, I may be 10,000 miles away right now, but from myself and a bunch of Aussies, "We're with you, Hillary and Bill."

Yours sincerely,

KAREN A. WAGNER